


I Fear

by gblvr



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-30
Updated: 2010-01-30
Packaged: 2017-10-06 20:46:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/57594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gblvr/pseuds/gblvr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Looking around the room, Julian was saddened to realize that he couldn't remember the last time they had all been together for purposes other than work.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Fear

But I fear, I have nothing to give   
I have so much to lose here in this lonely place   
Tangled up in your embrace   
There's nothing I'd like better than to fall.   
~ "Fear" by Sarah McLachlan

 

Looking around the room, Julian was saddened to realize that he couldn't remember the last time they had all been together for purposes other than work. It had taken the death of a woman none of them had ever met face-to-face to bring them all together. Part of it was an effect of the war, but Julian realized that he carried part of the blame, as did every person in this room. Admitting culpability to himself was easy, but telling the others, the people that he cared about...that was another matter entirely.

Julian took a deep breath and stepped up to address the assembled officers - his friends and co-workers - his family. "I, um, I just wanted to say that although I only talked with her a very short time, I...really admired Lisa Cusak. I cared about her, and I'm going to miss her." Pausing, Julian looked into his drink. "And another thing, contrary to public opinion, I am not the arrogant, self-absorbed, god-like doctor that I appear to be on occasion." At this point, Julian paused again, and looked up. "Why don't I hear anyone objecting to that statement?"

O'Brien raised a finger and joked, "Well, I will if you insist."

The rest of the room chuckled, and Julian countered, "I insist."

"Then I object."

"Thank you, Miles Edward O'Brien." A slight smile crossed his face, and Julian continued, "No, I have a heart, and I really care about all of you, even though sometimes it would appear that I care more about my work. To the woman who, ah, taught me that it is sometimes necessary to say these things, Lisa Cusak."

The occupants of the room echoed the toast, and Chief O'Brien stepped up next to Julian and began to speak.

"I never shook her hand, and I never saw her face, but she made me laugh, she made me weep. She was all by herself, and I was surrounded by friends, yet I felt more alone than she did..."

Listening to Miles' voice rise and fall, Julian allowed his thoughts to drift to another, someone who was more important than any of the others in this room. The last year had been difficult for all of them, and it seemed that the more difficult things became, the more he had shut out the one person he wanted to be with more than anyone... For a long time they had been dancing up to a relationship, starting and stopping, pausing along the way for intense sexual encounters that left both of them aching for more, and leaving Julian terrified of what might happen next.

"To Lisa, and the sweet sound of her voice." With that, Miles clicked his glass to Julian's, and lifted it to his mouth. The slight bump against his glass brought Julian out of his reverie, and when he realized the others were drinking he followed suit, and drained his glass in tribute.

As he looked over the assembled guests, Julian's thoughts again turned to Garak. Hoping that it wasn't too late, he pressed his communicator...

Crossing to the viewport, he asked the computer to contact Garak. After a few seconds, Julian was relieved to hear a channel open; he'd been afraid that the tailor had retired for the evening, or that he was otherwise occupied.

"This is Garak."

"Garak? I need to talk to you. Will you have dinner with me tomorrow?"

Julian heard a deep sigh, and for a long moment, he was sure that Garak was going to refuse. After all, it wasn't him who had caused the distance between them. He wouldn't have been surprised if Garak had closed the link between them, refusing to speak to him. Julian had just resigned himself to that refusal when he heard Garak reply.

"Yes, Doctor, I will."

Closing his eyes in relief, Julian answered as calmly as he could, "Good. I'll call for you at 1900 hours then. Until tomorrow?"

"Yes, until tomorrow."

With an unsteady hand, Julian closed the connection, and looked around to see if anyone had overheard his tête-à-tête. Jadzia smiled in his direction before turning back to speak with Captain Sisko, but other than that one instance it seemed that the rest of the officers were more interested in their companions. It was just as well - Julian didn't want to make the effort that conversation would require; it was enough to be here, with them, knowing that for the moment they were all safe.

Looking out into the void that surrounded the station, comforted by the easy camaraderie in the room, Julian found himself remembering the last time that he and Garak had been alone together. The feelings he'd experienced that night were like the ones that he was having now - the belonging, the comfort. And yet, there had been more, so much more. And that was what scared him.

(-|-) *

_It had been nearly a year ago, before the Dominion and their allies had retreated to Cardassian space, before the mission to destroy the Dominion's ketracel white facility, before the deaths of thousands had burned themselves into his mind and pressed home the truth of his own mortality...._

Knowing what was coming tomorrow, and knowing that he wanted this, even if it was only this last time, Julian decided to go to Garak. As he stood in the narrow hallway, Julian felt oddly vulnerable and exposed - as if he shouldn't be there. Nervously shifting from foot to foot, he reached out to press the door chime. Just as he heard Garak's voice calling out 'enter', Jadzia came into the hall. Julian ducked his head, blushing, and Jadzia pressed her hand to his shoulder as she passed. Julian met the sympathetic blue eyes of his friend, and knew that she understood. He saw that she wouldn't judge him for wanting the warmth and comfort of another; her smile relaxed him, and took away some of his apprehensions. He smiled in return, and turned to the open doorway.

Stepping inside, Julian waited for the door to close before he began to speak, "Garak, I...I wanted to -"

He was silenced when Garak pushed him into the bulkhead so hard that his teeth rattled.

As he pinned Julian to the wall with his heavier frame, Garak lowered his mouth to Julian's in a bruising kiss. Grasping the slender wrists in one hand, he unsealed the front seam of the Starfleet issue jacket and slipped his free hand inside. With a practiced motion, he pinched the already hard nipple between his fingers and twisted.

When Julian groaned into the kiss, Garak released his mouth, licking and nipping his way over the stubbled skin of Julian's jaw to the smooth skin that covered the tendon at the juncture of his neck and shoulder. With a low growl, the Cardassian bit down, soothing the sting with a swipe of his hot tongue before moving lower.

Feeling Garak's teeth close over his nipple, Julian gasped, attempting to twist away from the wall and the sharp-sweet pain that he was feeling. Garak merely tightened his grip, and continued to bite and suck at the hard nub beneath his tongue. With a low moan, Julian bucked his hips into Garak's, pressing outwards into the hardness that he felt there.

Garak's face was mock stern as he warned, "Hold still, Doctor, or I will continue to restrain you."

Julian stilled, and Garak let go of his wrists and stepped back so that he could push the uniform jacket off his shoulders.

Once his hands were free, Julian began to slide down the wall, stopping when he was on his knees, face level with Garak's groin. Pressing forward, he nuzzled against the bulge there before reaching up to open Garak's trousers. With a quick tug, he released the thick cock, and without preamble, sucked it into his mouth.

Garak hissed at the sudden feeling of Julian's heat engulfing him, and, without his knowledge, his hands moved from Julian's shoulders to tangle in his hair. Twisting his fingers, he pulled Julian closer, until he felt hot breath against the scales that covered his pelvis. Rocking back, he repeated his actions, setting a rhythm that threatened to send him over the edge into orgasm.

Forcing himself to pull away, Garak looked down into Julian's face. His thick grey fingers were still buried in Julian's hair, and his swollen lips and slightly unfocused gaze combined to give him a wanton appearance.

Heat filled Julian's gaze as he said, "Fuck me, Garak. I want you to fuck me."

Pulling Julian to his feet, Garak turned him to face the wall and peeled his trousers and briefs to his knees in one swift motion. As Garak pressed his mouth to Julian's slender spine, he used his hands to push his own trousers from his hips.

With a rough push, Garak entered Julian, possessive hands grasping at slender hips to pull him closer.

Julian, unprepared for the sudden entry and the slow sensual spread of heat that began to radiate from the juncture of their bodies, cried out.

"Am I hurting you?"

Shaking his head, Julian braced his arms against the bulkhead and thrust back to show that he was all right. When he showed no signs of moving, Julian reached around to touch Garak's flank.

The soft caress was all the encouragement he needed. Gradually, but with ever-increasing speed, he thrust into the velvety heat surrounding him, until Julian cried out and slumped into to a boneless heap against the wall, shuddering with the force of his orgasm. Withdrawing, Garak gathered Julian into his arms and carried him to his bunk.

Now that the first frenzy of their lust had passed, the lovers kissed - a slow, sensual meeting of lips and tongues that was the opposite of their earlier actions. With deliberate slowness, Garak removed what remained of his own clothing, then turned to Julian's.

As he peeled away each piece of clothing, Garak trailed soft kisses over his lover's heated skin, nipping and sucking at the tender flesh. As he passed over Julian's groin, he paused to map the renewed hardness he found there with his tongue and lips, only pulling away when Julian began to thrust insistently upwards. Pressing the slender hips into the hardness of the bunk, Garak continued down the long legs, using his fingers and mouth to search out sensitive areas.

By the time Garak reached his boots, Julian was breathless with anticipation. "Gods, Garak, I can't wait any longer...please."

Chuckling, Garak first removed the boots, dropping them onto the floor, before he moved up the lithe body to drop a kiss onto the parted lips, then moved lower to again tease a reaction from Julian.

"Garak..." The low tones of his voice gave way to breathy murmurings as Garak's mouth closed over one of his nipples, causing it to contract almost painfully. "Please..."

A slow smile of satisfaction crossed Garak's face as he rolled to lay behind Julian. Reaching around his narrow torso, he wrapped Julian in a crushing embrace, burying his face in the damp curls at the base of Julian's neck.

With slow pressure, Garak again entered Julian, making love to him with steady strokes.

"Julian...duyadri...an atov verhave."

Hearing the familiar Cardassian words, Julian felt his heartbeat quicken. He knew what they were, had looked them up in the computer after the first time that Garak had used them. Dearest. I love you. While hearing them sent a warm pulse to his core, the words also sent a spike of fear into his heart.

Pushing away the fear and telling himself that things said in the heat of passion didn't count, Julian murmured, "Yes, benim mahiyet...yes, love me."

Hearing Julian's heated murmurs brought Garak to completion; a few strokes more, and the doctor was cresting the peak as well. For many long minutes, they lay together, breathing the same breath, hearts beating to the same tempo. When Garak started to speak, Julian silenced him with a kiss.

As they parted, all he said was, "Please - don't say it." Sitting up, Julian felt around the tiny cabin for his uniform.

"I've already -" The words were stopped by another kiss.

"If you say it **now**, it's too real, too...damn." With an impatient gesture, the doctor rose from the bunk and crossed to the door.

"Do you have to go?"

Turning to look at the prone form on the bunk, Julian sighed. "I'm sorry, Garak. You know that I can't stay... If I do, one of us will say something that we'll regret."

"I understand."

Julian was bitter as he thought to himself, 'Do you? Do you know how badly I want to stay? Do you know what it costs me to leave?'

To Garak, he only said, "I'm sorry." Seeing Garak's resigned expression, he felt a rush of emotion - it was too intense, too tangled to sort out, so he'd pushed it to the bottom of his heart, and tried to push Garak out as well, by running away.

He and Garak had barely spoken since then....

Shaking himself out of his reverie, Julian watched the reflected images of Worf and Jadzia, the Captain and Kassidy. They looked so happy, so **right** with each other. He had only ever felt that way with one person...Garak. And now, he was afraid that he had ruined any chance that he and Garak may have had for happiness.

Closing his eyes against the reflections, he thought to himself, 'Please - just don't let it be too late.'

(-|-) *

Last night, he had been so confident, so sure of what he was going to say - he'd called Garak up and asked him to dinner - just like that. After a bit of mingling, he'd left the party. Miles had seemed worried, until Julian told him that he just needed to be alone, to think. While saying his goodnights, Julian had already begun to plan what he wanted to say to Garak. Now it seemed that the words he'd practiced had flown away, and all he could do was rattle on about ancient Earth culture...

"I, for one, think that the Greek culture had far more in common with the Cardassian people than you are willing to admit."

Smiling indulgently at his dinner companion, Elim Garak exclaimed, "My dear Doctor, I fail to see how you can draw parallels between the pitiful efforts of an ancient Earth culture to rule over the other savages and the magnificent achievements of the Cardassian people. There is no comparison...you would be wasting your time."

Surprise washed over Julian's golden features. "Garak! How can you say that? The Greeks were considered to be an enlightened people...I was merely pointing out that there are parallels to be drawn between the two. For example...."

As Julian launched into his arguments, Garak followed what was being said with only part of his mind. Another part was occupied in trying to figure out what was going on. He was still trying to puzzle out the reason for Julian's sudden resurgence of interest. He could hardly believe that Julian had called him up, 'out of the blue' as the humans said, to talk about ancient Earth cultures.

True, in the past, he and Julian had shared many pleasant hours in each other's company, but that had not been the case for many months. The last time that they had been together, Julian had left rather abruptly after only an hour's time. Garak had lied to himself then, and attributed it to a fear of discovery, but he had since decided that honesty, at least with himself, had its merits. Julian had fled because he was afraid of facing the situation.

That was a sobering thought - something about him was frightening to the doctor. He didn't think that it had anything to do with the fact that he was a Cardassian, nor with the fact that he was a man, either. Julian had never shown any fear when they were together; he'd seemed quite eager to become intimate. No, Garak knew that it had to do with the fact that Julian couldn't, or wouldn't, acknowledge his own feelings.

At any rate, it had been so long since their last contact that Garak had given up on the doctor, and had began to try and forget him...but Julian's call the previous evening had set off a bloom of hope in Garak's chest - sharp and sweet and painful in its intensity - and he had spent many long minutes remembering the first time that he and Julian had made love.

(-|-) *

_It was shortly after the doctor had removed his wire; both the worst and the best time of his life - the worst because of the adjustments that he was forced to make once he no longer had the wire to blunt his pain and the best because for a few short weeks, he and Julian had been together...._

He'd asked Julian to join him in his quarters for dinner one night, thinking only to express his gratitude.

When the chime sounded at his door, Garak had glanced at the chronometer, thinking that Julian was early. No, he must have lost track of time while cooking - it was indeed the appointed time. Wiping his hands on a towel, he crossed to the door and entered the sequence that would open the door.

"Ah, Doctor, please come in. You're right on time."

Julian inclined his head in greeting, and offered the bottle of kanaar he was carrying. "I thought that I would make a contribution to dinner."

"Thank you, Doctor. That was very kind of you." Looking at the label, Garak was surprised to see that it was a good vintage; he wondered where Julian had procured it. "This will go nicely with our supper."

"I'm relieved to hear that - Quark assured me that it was a good bottle, but I'm never sure when to believe him."

"In this case, he was being honest. This particular year was a good one for most things Cardassian, including kanaar." As he crossed to the cabinet below the replicator, he uncorked the bottle. He paused for a moment to inhale the bouquet, and then poured a generous amount into a pair of glasses. Offering one to the doctor, he raised his glass in a salute. "To you, Doctor, I offer my thanks for your assistance in my recent time of distress."

Julian blushed and demurred, only saying, "It was my duty and my pleasure to help you, Garak. I would have done no less for anyone who needed my help."

"Nonetheless, I am indebted to you." Garak inclined his head in Julian's direction and smiled. "Shall we eat?"

"Yes, I'm starving. What are we having?"

Garak chuckled and gestured towards the table. "I thought that we might dine on delicacies from Cardassia. I am not entirely certain what you would have liked, so I made a variety of dishes."

Julian smiled when he saw the number of dishes on the table - all of the available space on the table was covered with brass and clay pots and plates of what looked to be sliced fruits and vegetables. "How will we ever eat all of that, Garak?"

"We will eat what we can; the rest will keep." Garak began to uncover the various dishes, explaining what each one contained. Bashir took a bit of each and went to sit on the floor near the sofa. Garak filled his plate as well and seated himself on the sofa near Julian's head.

Julian waited until Garak was seated, then began to eat. He paused only long enough to compliment Garak on his choices before he fell to in earnest. After refilling his plate twice, he finally sighed and set it aside. "That was wonderful, Garak. Thank you."

Garak waved away the compliment, saying that he was happy the doctor had enjoyed the meal. He poured them each another glass of kanaar and sat back on the sofa, watching Julian's face as he sipped the pungent liqueur. After a slight grimace, his eyes closed and a flush crawled over his features; his mouth slackened and a slight shiver shook him as he laid his head back onto the seat cushion of the sofa. After a long moment, he opened eyes that were slightly unfocused and turned towards Garak. He looked relaxed and happy, and Garak couldn't remember a time when he'd wanted Julian more than in that moment.

Garak realized that his feelings must have been showing in his face when Julian inhaled sharply and sat up.

"Um, Garak, " Bashir began.

Leaning over to place his fingers against Julian's mouth, Garak shook his head. "I understand. I know that you and I can never-- That is to say I don't...."

Garak trailed off as Julian's tongue came out to rasp against the pads of his fingers. He stopped long enough to ask, "You don't what, Garak?" before sucking the tip of a finger into his mouth and catching it between his teeth.

"I don't--I don't.... I can't think with you doing that."

Julian released his finger and asked, "Would you like me to stop?" When Garak shook his head, Julian turned and crawled onto the sofa, settling on his knees over Garak's lap. The look he gave Garak as he again lifted his hand to his mouth was predatory, and it was Garak's turn to shiver.

"Please, Doctor -"

Julian placed a kiss to his palm and said, "Julian." Moving on to the wrist, he pushed back Garak's sleeve, kissing the skin that was exposed. Between kisses he said, "My name is Julian."

It took a moment or two for Garak to realize what he'd just heard. The doctor had just given him permission to use his name, his given name. He wasn't sure if he understood the significance of the gesture he'd just made, but Garak decided to do everything in his power to deserve that honor.

Garak pulled his hand out of Julian's grasp, and touched his cheek. "May I kiss you, Julian?"

Julian's answer was to lean forward and gently press his lips to Garak's. When Garak's tongue slipped out to caress Julian's parted lips, all pretense of gentleness was abandoned; Garak grasped him tightly and pushed up towards his hips, meeting Julian's counter-thrust and grinding their erections together. Time seemed to stop as they thrust together, striving toward the same goal and reaching it, finally, in a heart-stopping rush.

When he was finally able to breathe again, Garak whispered, "Stay, Julian. Please stay with me."

"Yes."

* * *

Over the next few weeks, they had established a pattern: they would meet for lunch, much in the same manner as before, to discuss literature and politics and to share station gossip. And in the evenings they would meet in either set of quarters to eat and make love. And then for no reason that Garak could ascertain, Julian called it off.

Garak had been hurt: he couldn't pinpoint any one thing that he had done wrong, unless it had been to care too much. Julian refused to see him, except for lunches, and any time Garak tried to discuss what had gone wrong, Julian changed the subject.

So Garak stopped trying. When Julian ended his latest fling and made tentative overtures towards Garak, Garak decided to take what he could get, and tried to keep his feelings to himself....

And now it looked as though they were going to repeat their previous pattern. Except--Garak didn't want to go down that road again. He was tired of taking the leavings of Julian's other lovers; he had to know. Even if Julian didn't share his feelings, it would be better for his peace of mind, knowing he'd taken the chance. He was growing tired of the on-again, off-again nature of their relationship -- he needed to know that Julian was going to be with him, not off with another lover. In the past, Garak had allowed Julian to set the pace, and every time he came to him, he'd never dared to hope that finally this time would be the time that he stayed. After too many times to count, Garak had had enough. But he had no idea how to express what he was feeling, so thus far, he had kept silent, hoping that their conversation would present an opening.

"Garak?"

Upon hearing his name, Garak looked up, realizing that Julian had finished and was waiting for an answer to his statements. As he focused on the animated face of the doctor, Garak was once again surprised by what he saw there. Dark, soft curls framed the angular face, and at this late hour, shadowy stubble played about his mouth and cheeks, making him look slightly unkempt. The red shirt that he wore was one of Garak's favorites - he had given it to the doctor as a birthday gift last year, knowing that the deep tone would accentuate his golden skin and hazel eyes. He was so beautiful...

"Garak? You've been awfully quiet this evening. Is there something wrong?"

Seeing no easy way to broach the subject, Garak decided that direct honesty would be best, and so he forged ahead. "Doctor, I need to know - why did you ask me to dinner?"

An earnest frown creased Julian's forehead as he replied, "I - I need to tell you...that is, I want to ask you something."

"As always, Doctor, you may ask me anything."

"What were you going to tell me that night on the _Defiant_ when I kissed you?"

Garak didn't need to ask for clarification; he knew exactly what Julian was referring to. The question wasn't whether he remembered or not - instead, it was whether he wanted to reveal himself in such a manner. Still, it was apparent Julian had some idea of what Garak was going to say. Now it was only a matter of confirming the doctor's suspicions. Taking a deep breath, Garak looked up...

...and into Julian's questioning eyes. Seeing the frank honesty there, Garak almost lost his nerve. He looked down into his glass of kanaar, and then back to the doctor's face, and said, "Julian, I was going to say 'I love you', but you never gave me the chance."

Julian sagged back in his chair. Hearing it aloud again, after only hearing it in his head it for all these months, was such a relief that he began to giggle.

As Julian's laughter began to increase in volume, Garak asked, "Julian, my dear, are you quite alright?" At the words 'Julian, my dear', the doctor's laughter died. Flushing a deep red, he dropped his eyes to the table.

An uncomfortable silence fell over the table, and Julian began to fidget, moving his fork around on the tablecloth, folding and re-folding his napkin.

As the silence stretched, Garak began to debate the wisdom of having revealed himself. Becoming defensive, he fell back on what he knew best - a question. "Julian? Surely I haven't taken you by surprise? Don't tell me that you didn't know? Why else did you silence me?"

"I knew. I knew from the first time that you told me."

Exhibiting the bad timing that he was notorious for, Quark bustled up, asking, "Will there be anything else for you two this evening?"

Two voices answered at once. "No!" "No, thank you, Quark."

"Was your dinner satisfactory? Garak, how was the kanaar?"

Julian, suspecting Quark had overheard their conversation, and wanting to get rid of the Ferengi and his prying eyes, quickly answered, "Fine, Quark, everything was fine, thank you."

Garak, more in control of himself, and not wanting to appear rude, answered, "Yes, Quark, the kanaar was excellent, as usual. I do believe that your replicators have improved when it comes to Cardassian dishes as well."

Quark smiled at this, and gave a slight bow, saying, "Thank you, Garak. Well if that's all, gentlemen, I'll say goodnight."

Watching Quark retreat, Garak gathered his thoughts, and turned to the doctor. Picking up where the conversation had left off, Garak said, "Then why ask me what I was going to say?"

"Because it makes it easier for me to say what I have to say."

Irritation crossed Garak's face as he replied, "I'm afraid I don't follow you...what makes it easier?"

"Knowing that you -" Looking sideways at the Cardassian, Julian continued with, "you know-"

"No, I'm afraid that I don't know." Disgusted with himself for saying too much, and with Julian for being unable to repeat it, Garak decided to cut his losses and leave before the situation degenerated into an argument.

Throwing his napkin onto the table, Garak rose from his chair and turned to leave, but was stopped by Julian's hand on his wrist. "Don't go. Please, Garak, don't go."

Garak looked down at his arm, now enclosed by the doctor's slender fingers. As the tailor looked up, his eyes darkened and he hissed, "Doctor, unless you want the whole station to be discussing this, you should let go of my arm."

Julian continued to hold onto Garak's arm, tugging himn forward as he spoke. "I don't care if the whole station is talking about it. I want you to stay. Please?" At this point, Garak's face was only centimeters from Julian's. Bracing his free hand on the table, Garak looked into Julian's eyes, searching for clues to his feelings. Seeing a barely concealed panic and confusion, he let go of his anger and said, "I'll stay...and talk."

As soon as Garak agreed to stay, Julian closed the gap between them, and placed his lips to Garak's in a chaste kiss. The contact was electric. Caught up in the moment, Julian snaked his tongue forward to caress the Garak's cool lips, and he could taste the bittersweet flavor of kanaar. The feel of Garak's lips against his own was better than he remembered, and he tried to deepen the kiss.

When Julian grew more insistent, and opened his lips against Garak's, Garak pushed him gently away. Seeing the doctor's hurt look, Garak thought to himself, once again, that humans were too thin-skinned, and emotional. To ease the sting of his rebuff, he smiled, and admonished the doctor with, "No, my dear Doctor...Quark's is hardly the place for such a kiss. Don't you agree?" Seeing Julian nod, however reluctantly, he continued, "I think that I've changed my mind about staying. Shall we go somewhere more private?"

Julian looked up into Garak's eyes, wondering what he was thinking, and said, "Yes, I think I'd like that." Placing his napkin on the table, Julian stood and pushed in his chair. When he turned to walk to the door, Garak remained behind, watching the doctor walk away. Noticing that he was alone, Julian stopped, returned to the table, and grasped Garak's hand.

In the wake of the sudden hush that washed over Quark's, Garak and Julian exited onto the Promenade. Passing the shops and restaurants, neither spoke; both were lost in their own thoughts and tangled feelings.

As the pair entered the corridor that led to the habitat ring, they met Major Kira and Constable Odo. The doctor tried to pull his hand from Garak's as soon as he saw who they were approaching, but Garak only tightened his grip on Julian's fingers.

Odo nodded. "Mr. Garak, Doctor Bashir."

Appearing nonchalant about the fact that he and Julian were holding hands, Garak said, "Why, Major Kira, Constable Odo. What brings you onto the Promenade this evening?"

"We were just going to Quark's for some dinner. Would you care to join us?" This was from Kira, whose eyebrows had nearly met her hairline when she noticed that Julian's hand was enfolded within Garak's.

The raised eyebrows didn't escape Garak's notice, but he merely smiled in response.

When Garak didn't answer, Julian replied, "Thank you, no, we've just finished. Perhaps the next time?"

A knowing smile crossed the Constable's face. "Yes, perhaps the next time...Nerys?" Odo offered his arm to her, before nodding to Garak and Julian, and saying, "Have a pleasant evening."

Julian only nodded and smiled, while Garak returned their wishes for a good evening.

As the two couples parted company, Julian was sure that he heard the words 'Captain Sisko' and 'tell him' from Kira; the Constable merely shook his head, and then Kira and Odo rounded the corner, and Julian couldn't hear anymore. For a moment, Julian was torn between wanting to run after Kira, to explain, and wanting to get Garak back to his quarters. Staring after the pair, he decided that Odo would ensure the Major's discretion. Shrugging, Julian turned, and continued on with the tailor.

They walked down the hall, not speaking, passing other inhabitants of the station with a nod or a smile. Walking through the deserted habitat ring seemed to take longer than usual, and just when Garak was beginning to think that the corridor had somehow grown in length, he and Julian arrived at the doctor's quarters. Keying the lock, Julian said, "I hope that you don't mind that we've come here."

"No, my dear, I'd like to think that it wouldn't make any difference where we were. This is fine." Hearing this made Julian a bit nervous, but he pulled Garak inside his quarters as the door opened. Once inside, Garak released his hand and walked to the viewport to look out at the stars.

Needing something to do occupy himself with, Julian crossed to the replicator, and ordered a cup of tea. Turning to Garak he asked, "Would you like anything?"

"No, I'm fine, thank you."

As he moved to stand behind Garak, his attention was caught by the luminescent blue glow of the wormhole. Watching the highlights fading from Garak's jet black hair, Julian was struck again with his alien beauty. The swept back hair outlined the cartilage of his ear, and lay against the intricate pattern of scales on his thick neck. As his eyes dropped lower, Julian realized that Garak had lost weight - deciding it looked good on him, Julian continued to stare at Garak's back, willing him to talk, to say something, anything that would make this easier.

'He's not going to say anything more, Jules. Face it - he may have loved you once - but that was then.' Julian felt tears well up in his eyes, and he forced them down, angry with himself for his fears. Before he knew he was going to say it, Julian blurted out. "I do love you."

With a sigh, Garak turned to face him. He looked at Julian suspiciously before asking, "Why are you telling me this now? Why not all those months ago? You may think that I've forgotten what you said that last time, but I assure you, I have not. Why wouldn't you let me say the words, especially since I would have only been repeating what you yourself had said?"

Julian found he couldn't meet Garak's eyes as he answered. Instead he focused on the notch of scales that peeked from the Garak's collar. "Feeling this way terrifies me - I hate knowing that something I have no control over can affect me this much. I figured if we only said the words when we were otherwise occupied that it didn't mean as much - of course, it didn't help - I still heard them every time I closed my eyes, but I could pretend this way that I didn't hear them, because I didn't have to answer...I didn't have to feel..."

Taking Julian's chin between his fingers, Garak forced him to look up. "Do you believe that I will hurt you?"

Seeing the hurt in Garak's eyes, Julian answered, "No - never that. I'm only afraid that I'll feel too much, and that I'll lose you, and that - that I'll never be able to feel again."

"Oh, my dear Julian..."

"I - I just wanted you to know that. I'm an idiot - I never should have left you. I know that it's probably too late to start again, but I wanted to tell you before -"

"It's not too late."

"Before you're gone forever, and I..." Julian trailed off as he realized what Garak had said. "What did you say?"

"I said, 'it's not too late'." Seeing a single tear suspended on Julian's lashes, Garak reached out to catch it on the end of his finger. "It's not too late."

Julian could only stare at Garak, dumbstruck, as he reached out to wipe the tears from his cheeks. When Garak's fingers curved around his jaw, Julian's eyes closed in pleasure, and he swayed towards Garak. With a sigh, Garak's hand traveled from the doctor's jaw, along his cheek and temple to come to rest in his hair. Pulling him gently forward, Garak pressed his lips to Julian's, murmuring once again, "It's not too late."

**Author's Note:**

> The dialogue in the first portion of this story is lifted [verbatim] from the sixth season episode "The Sound of Her Voice."
> 
> Esther Schrager provided the Kardasi that is used in this story (mouseover for translations); I know that Julian isn't from Turkey, but really, have you ever tried to find Arabic words in characters that a non-Arabic speaker can read? I have, and couldn't, so his little bit of non-English is Turkish.
> 
> A huge thank you goes out to Kathryn Ramage and BGM for second-round beta-reading.
> 
> And finally, this is a new version of a story that some of you may have read in the past: the original version was posted in January 2000; the story was rewritten June - August 2001 for the Southern Comfort con zine, and then it was re-posted to the web in August 2002.


End file.
